I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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