I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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