After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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