Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
