In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
