he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
