Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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