Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
