I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
