Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize