Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
