i may or may not be watching the land before time
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
