Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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