im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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