i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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