Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
