why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
