i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
