so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
