i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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