she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
