he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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