I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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