this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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