after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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