There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
