i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
