dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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