im drinking this country out of the recession.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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