Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
