During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Randomize
