we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
