Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
