I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
