At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
