SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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