hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize
