are you still at the devil's house?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
