I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
