we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
