my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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