Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I would ride that face into the sunset
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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