Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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