did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You are a genius and a whore.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
