Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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