Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
