This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
