youre lurking in front of me
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
