I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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