i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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