We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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