At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
