Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
And then he peed in my hair
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