I think I died a long time ago.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize