just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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