Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
well you can't waste a boner
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
