Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
