She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
