My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize