your parents love me but you hate me
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We talked him into tasing himself.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Randomize
