Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
