she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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