apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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