Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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