She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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