i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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