DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
