So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I don't deserve a penis
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I got inside last night via doggy door
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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