Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
